For most people, there are days here and there when the last place they want to be is in the gym. That’s entirely understandable. Some days, the motivation just isn’t there. If you’re frustrated about your partner’s expert avoiding tactics, it can be difficult to know exactly how to bring it up. You don’t want to make them feel bad about themselves or their body (especially if that’s not something you’re concerned about). It might help if you two make some compromises to figure out a way to work out together.

According to a study published in the Journal of Sports Medicine and Physical Fitness, couples who work out together are more likely to stick to their routine and be successful. If one of you likes to get up and work out at 5 a.m. and the other prefers late night exercise (and then one or the other of you regularly skips their workout), maybe there’s a better time on which the two of you can settle. Additionally, as William J. Doherty, Ph.D., a therapist and professor at the University of Minnesota, told Greatist, your focus on your partner’s gym habits (or lack thereof) may be a way to avoid fixating on your own less than stellar habits regarding exercise. Doing a little self-reflection before initiating a conversation can help save the both of you from unnecessary or misplaced conflict. Once you start the conversation, be gentle and kind, above all. Tell your partner how their habits make you feel, and then let them speak. Don’t make the entire conversation about how you feel. Listen carefully and earnestly, and remember: no lecturing.